by SUE RAKOWSKI
You’ve met the love of your life. You are envisioning a dream future sharing a home, maybe a child, a pet, and waking up every day to experience a joyful existence. But there are obstacles in the way. Hurdles in the form of disapproving parents, condemnatory bosses, and other critical individuals in your daily orbit.
How do you tell them you’re getting married and turn their condemnation into harmonious consensus?
A Little Background
Gay marriage has been legalized in all 50 states as of June 26th, 2015, when the Supreme Court ruled in favor of marriage equality at the federal level in Obergefell v Hodges. Obergefell v Hodges was decided by a close 5-4 vote, and included petitioners from several states and several separate cases.
The original plaintiff, Jim Obergefell, initially sued the state of Ohio for refusing to recognize his marriage on his deceased husband John Arthur’s death certificate. The current marriage equality ruling is part of the 14th amendment (addressing “citizenship rights and equal protection”).
Recent changes in the Supreme Court's reading of the Fourteenth Amendment have made LGBTQ+ couples and their allies concerned about the future of marriage equality. Post-Obergefell opposition in conservative states continues to rally and we must remain vigilant about campaigns in these states to ban same sex marriage using rulings in state constitutions.
Personal Barriers
There is another battle many must fight on the path to marry: dealing with the conflicts and opposition from non-gay-friendly family members, employers and others in our sphere of life.
As a gay wedding officiant I’ve experienced first-hand the grueling struggle that many loving couples must face. Here are 10 guidelines to help diminish and weaken the resistance.
1. Review the statistics with family naysayers. Invite your parents to have a serious talk about the state of gay marriage. Explain that same sex marriage is completely legal and acceptance is growing. Recent surveys indicate up to 71% of the U.S. population is supportive. Ask them to try and open their hearts. Tell them that last year 20,000 gay couples wed in churches, synagogues, and that an increasing number of religious leaders are open to performing same sex marriage ceremonies. Remind Mom, Dad and Grandma you believe they want you, above all, to be happy.
2. Explain you’re not going anywhere. You’re not entering a ‘foreign’ legion that is distant from your family. You will continue to be available for get-togethers, holidays, visits to doctors and so forth as long as they can respect your choice to marry, and include your spouse in family-oriented experiences.
3. Introduce your fiancé to your family. Pick a neutral setting such as a restaurant. Set a time limit. Focus on similarities. Maybe it’s the love of a sport or shared hobby. Find a way to participate in the activity as a group. Let your family get to know your intended as a person, not as your gay partner. Any interest from tennis to opera could create a bond and ease friction.
4. Make a presentation. Put together a list of your parents/grandparents’ favorite celebrities, historical figures, artists, actors and other noteworthy figures that are gay. They might be more accepting when they realize personalities they love and admire are “just like you.”
5. Give your skeptical family member a role in your wedding. They might get more enthused about what is taking place in this important time in your life if they feel more connected to the ceremony. Create a role. Invite them to speak at the service, or make a speech at the reception. Let them greet your guests or hand out confetti or dried lavender, flowers to shower you. Present them with the option to have a role.
6. Talk to your Human Resources Department about your upcoming marriage. Make sure they are savvy about the laws. Increasingly companies are extending benefits to gay spouses. Find out what your company’s policies are. Update your retirement plans, 401k beneficiary documents, etc.
7. Dealing with a homophobic boss. Try to arrange a meeting and ask that a member of the staff—your supervisor, or another co-worker—be present to verify the conversation. Ask your boss what is the basis for his/her anti-gay status. Consult your community to learn the laws. Explain that gay marriage is now legal in 32 countries and you are well within your rights to marry. Many small businesses do not have an HR department. Investigate your rights. Tell your boss, you are the same competent worker—straight or gay—and that your personal happiness can only inspire a more productive you.
8. Tell the antagonistic foes in your life…or not. You do not owe anyone an explanation about your life, your love, or anything else. If there are people in your extended circle that you see for professional reasons or in a team/sports club, for example, but you are not rock-solid friends, feel free to pick and choose with whom you'll share your joy.
9. You’re moving forward with…or without them. Let the detractors know you’d love their support but you’ve moving forward. Having them in your life would be wonderful, to share the potential joy of grandchildren, vacation time, and family outings but no matter how they react you are going to live the best possible life you can. Let them know there will be seats for them at the service if they decide to come to your wedding. You've done your best to be inclusive.
10. Explain to all you’re getting ‘married’ not ‘gay married.’ Emphasize that getting married is about your commitment to your partner. It is not about sexual orientation or gender. You are not planning a ‘gay wedding’ you are planning a ‘wedding’ –sanctioned by law--to marry your best friend, the love of your life, and live happily ever after.
And one final note to ensure your day is happy and stress-free:
Make sure you are working with like-minded vendors. Finding inclusive and welcoming vendors is key to ensure your day is memorable and happy. Research and hire compatible florists, caterers, bakers and a compassionate wedding officiant to perform your service. Their presence will help surround you with a circle of love on your special day.
Sue Rakowski is pleased to announce she is a Wedding Officiant in New York State. Send Sue an email at sosuetastic@gmail.com for more information.